Will Work For Sanity

I need a job! I worked on my resume a bit over the weekend. I was layed off almost two years ago from a job I held for almost 10 years. It was a perverse, multi level den of dysfunction. A round about of tales, tattling, titillating weekend gossip that made it to the ears of every employee and was twisted so badly by the time the tale was spun that all were too involved to claim innocence!

I was a buyer/designer/manager and sales person for a furniture store; a mom and pop store run by a man so emotionally crippled that he needed to smoke lots of dope to face his life. He had two children, a toddler and a baby, and a wife of immense artistic talent who gave up her dream and her studio to become his concrete brick around his neurotic neck. When Bush was "elected" president, he bought land in Nova Scotia, stock piled canned goods, generators, and water thinking he very well could ride out the apocalyptic end eating beans and Spam.

His parents bankrolled his furniture empire and their threat of pulling the monetary plug daily plagued him. He would lurch into the building, not making eye contact with anyone, not even mumbling a hello or good morning. He would immediately chastise someone for a mistake and berate them for their stupidity. He felt every employee could be "made over, toughened up." He had an unhealthy, out of line sense of paternal devotion to the employees. He unleashed his rage on all. Many female sales reps would flee the building crying and vowing to never return. This is so outrageous it can't be fabricated!

There was a little break room in the back of the showroom resplendent with a dorm fridge, sink, table and chairs. He knew no bounds when it came to his hunger. Any leftovers or items that looked tasty were fair game to him. His wife subscribed to a macro biotic diet at home for the family, and any chance for him to stray from those morsels meant "guess who ate my lunch!" We witnessed him eat from a peanut butter jar with his nasty, heavily knuckled, dirty fingers. Customers would ask how he was, how the wife and kids were, making small talk. "Don't ask! We were up all night with the baby. Don't have kids man, it ruins your life!" He and his wife believed in attachment parenting, both kids in bed with them. They didn't believe in cribs loudly proselytizing they were nothing more than prisons and could very well damage the psyche of the wee charges.

Despite the miserable, ogre boss, I did indeed love my job! It was creative, complex and always entertaining. Clients became friends who would just drop in to say hello and update me on their families. I had several brushes with the famous rock stars and writers who call this area home. Famed writer Kurt Vonnegut bought furniture while teaching and wanted to then return it when his tenure was up. He didn't want any refund, just simply to return it to the store as he no longer had use for it. I had to explain the no return policy, which greatly confused him.

I've been a stay at home mother for almost two years now. This has been a luxury and a privilege. I have no hair left to pull out and when my stomach growls I look under the sofa cushions for leftover Goldfish Crackers! The postman is now leery of me and my inane small talk about the weather. He graciously waves from the sidewalk and says he has lots of mail to deliver today. I don't take this personally, me in my pajamas, bed head and morning breath, all too eager for some adult conversation. I think the FedEx woman is on to me now too.

I'd like to work again. Get the kids off to daycare where they can play with their friends and develop social skills. I'd like to wear my pretty clothes again and dive back into the world of problem solving, human interaction, and a paycheck! I'm working on my resume objective and think I finally have it:

Recently balding mother surviving on juice boxes and Cheerios seeking gainful employment where I can utilize my witty verbal skills, creativity and eyes in the back of my head senses to establish a sense of sanity, fulfilment, and a paycheck.