Today I'm a big, whopping 41 years of age! Turning 40 last June was so exciting! I am not a woman who is afraid to age. I'm not afraid of wrinkles, age spots, or mental dementia. Though I am quite vain and guilty of the dog and pony show: makeup, clothes, all the smoke and mirrors to seem flawlessly ageless. Last year Sean and I celebrated my birthday in NY City. It was a perfect weekend and we arrived back in Massachusetts receiving a call from our case worker that a baby was legally free for adoption! Fast forward to Gibson who will celebrate his first birthday on the 15th! Another Gemini in the family!
This birthday is a bit more subdued. Gibson is upstairs napping and Sean and Lola are out buying party hats and horns for my wee celebration tonight. My only request, sushi and champagne. I didn't want any gifts, I have so much already. This confused Lola, aren't birthdays all about parties and loads of presents and cake and ice cream!?? My birthday thoughts evolved into what follows......
I've unwrapped myself many times. I undo the ribbon and strings, slide my finger under the tape and am always surprised at what I find nestled in the box.
I am sometimes beautiful, a rare gem looked upon with intake of breath. I am a puzzle, a challenge, a game to the receiver who wants to piece me together and make me whole. I am a coat, a cloak, dark in the shadowy night, hiding so as not to be discovered. I am a sponge absorbing other's pain. I am a salve hoping to heal. I am a child craving attention, wanting to jump in the morning's puddles. I am a little girl, see how pretty I am!
Sometimes I am only a dime store box with last years wrap. Do not fill me, but unfold me, shelve me in the closet.
My best gift is here...and now! To see, to feel, to live, to remember, to change, to create, to be greedy, to be envious, miserable, lonely, despondent, to be childlike, embraceable. Here to see beauty, to see death, to see the sun, to ponder at the moon. To hear the waves beating down on the sand, let me in! To feel the warmth, fullness, emptiness...to feel the struggle to take a breath...........To see the trees, to walk upon its leaves. To walk the ground, to taste the earth. To feel the sting, the trickle of my salty tears. To love so much that my heart does break.
Oh, how I ache.
I want to close my eyes, stop the spinning, all this beauty is too much, I want hush...
Blood pulsing in my ears, I want to be still for many years.
Yet, I want to be free, eyes open to roam. Let me rise up, this earth, my home.
I want to feel the dirt in my hands, smell the day as it began. Let me create. Let me try to accomplish in a day all that I may.
Let me smile, let me laugh, let me grieve for something that has passed. Let me put my arms around you, inhale your smell. Let me see into your eyes and know this, all of this is real.
And when I die and cease to wake, you are there beside me, as is fate.