Saturday, June 6, 2009

Episcopalian Jokes, Ear Hair, And Cash

"Why don't' Episcopalians have sex standing up?......because they're afraid they'll start dancing!" "Why don't Episcopalians have orgies? Because there would be too many Thank You notes to send!"

This is how I met my neighbors Mark and Amy. We were having a tag sale. Actually the Madison Circle Tag Sale. Sean and I decided this year we would participate and unload some stuff; junk, things never unpacked when we moved to Massachusetts from Annapolis Maryland. (That was eight years ago.) We sold lots of baby gear stuff, stereo equipment, Cds, just stuff collected over the years.

Tag sales are a unique thing. People sell their junk to other people who are not really looking for that chipped crock pot, but wow, it's only $5! People are an odd lot to begin with. Car after car pulled up. "Oh shit, they're in my azaleas!" "No, sorry, no antique rifles for sale." "Honey, who's the strange guy trying on that gauze skirt in our backyard?" He looked quite fetching in it, and I suggested a top to go with it. I was lightening my overloaded closets. I should have sold shoes and a bag to go with it.

10:30 was way too early for a glass of wine, so I settled for another cup of coffee. Lola was pumped up, running around the yard singing for the throngs of bargain hunters. "Mom, I just don't understand this? Why are these people buying our stuff?" "Shhhhhh honey, this is your college fund." Our neighbor next door was assaulted with scavengers who sojourned from our driveway to hers. Her name is Bunny. I'm guessing that's a nickname, she was selling lots of bunny paraphernalia. Bunnies on plaques, bunnies on ties, bunnies on picture frames, bunny ceramics playing golf, trimming the Christmas tree..collectible bunny stuff.

I saw a couple entering our driveway thru our backyard. Enter Mark and Amy. I was upstairs and saw them approaching Sean who was seated in a wicker rocker in the driveway overseeing the sale. "Any motorcycle helmets for sale?" Amy asked. "I know you ride and thought you might have one Mark could try out this weekend." Mark was the complete physical opposite of Amy. He was tall, willowy and had a knack for politically incorrect jokes. I learned more about him in seven minutes than I think should be legal in most states! I also learned his wife of six years did not drink, dance or have any preference in music. Mark was pouring over used Cds we were selling. He peppered his music scouring with one lesbian joke, two Episcopalian jokes, one knock knock joke, and then asked if I minded dirty jokes! (Kids, get in the house, mommy has to chase off a very strange man from our driveway!)

Amy had gone back to her house to drive her "motorcycle" over to our house to show Sean. It was an amphibian looking cycle with two large wheels in the front and one in the back, resembling a jet ski. She wanted Mark to ride it but he was leery, and needed a helmet. Mark was bouncing from one inane subject to the next and landed on hair. He said he was thinking about letting his ear hair grow long. "Oooh, Laurie Anderson, I saw her a few years ago and I was the only guy in the place with about five hundred lesbians all dressed in black." He was clutching a Laurie Anderson Cd and continued his vision concerning ear hair. "So, yeah, I want to grow it long so the Misses has something to hang onto!"

Thank God Amy pulls up in front of the house and every one's attention is diverted to the three wheel thing. We oohed and aahed for a bit and I sat on it for a virtual test drive. She had to return it to the dealership that afternoon so we said our goodbyes and nice to meet you to Amy as she rode away. We didn't have any helmets to sell so Mark walked home with a plastic grocery bag full of used, cheap Cds.

"Wow! what did you think of him?" I asked Sean. We were packing up the last bits of Cds and baby gear that hadn't sold. "I kinda liked him, he's goofy." "Yeah, me too. We should have them over for dinner some night. Let's make sure the kids are in bed early before he starts telling more jokes!"


  1. I bet you guys had some cool CDs for sale. It almost seems worth the drive to improve my music collection.

  2. always have bloody marys or martinis at any yard makes people envious plus we alwys tell them buy over 20 dollars of junk and you get a free drink....we make lots that way..and have fun...(from what I can remember year to year...